It Is What It Is

 No amount of Cannabis can cut the tension between me and my husband. My brother in laws funeral is coming soon. I won't be going because my mother in law hates my guts.

And right now I know my husband stays with out of obligation and out of love. I am dealing with a man that does not find me sexually attractive and who would rather bury his face in his phone all the time than to ask how my day was or even talk about his day.

At night it is like I am in bed with a roommate. Or like I am not in bed at all as far as my husband is concerned. He is busy pleasing himself , if you know what I mean. And he's doing this every night when I am trying to sleep.

Ear plugs are not enough. I need to get financially independent so that I can get out of this marriage to someone who sees me as an obligation and not as the he loves and trusts. My menopause body and mind is no longer attractive.

He Left Me To Grieve Allone

 Yesterday after my husband got off from work he went straight to band practice for a band he just joined. All of this would sound normal if you leave out the fact that our cat Bart died only 5 days ago.

Me and My son are just getting along with having to process this sadness in our own way. I went to take a nap yesterday after working for hours on a storybook for a doll that captures the feeling of what's going on in the world. I laid down at 6 pm and woke up at 1 am.

It is now 2 am and I cannot go back to sleep. I woke up crying and missing my sweet little black maine coon cat. I loved him dearly. He was the only one who loved unconditionally never telling me to fuck off.

I will be working on art intensely to not just fall apart. I won't be able to have another cat in my life for a long time. The process of grieving Bart's passing will be long and painful.

I saw a sign that Bart is with me the other day while making a video at the local park.

No One To Mourn With

 I am so sad because I do not have anyone in my household to share tje memories of my beloved cat Bart who passed away about 5 days ago. I am still in shock of how quickly it all happened.

My husband just told me before leaving for work that he was going to jam with guys in his new band after work. Leaving me here all alone to mourn the loss of my cat.

I am so sick and tired mourning the loss of cats that have come into my life all by myself

I know it is healthy to cry about the loss of my best friend. So why can't the person that is suppose to be my partner in life be here instead at some stupid band practice?

God dammit I miss Bart!!!

My Cat Bart Died

 My cat Bart died 3 days ago. He was a black maine coon cat. He had a beautiful bushy tail like a racoon. I can barely write because I busting out in tears again.

I miss him so much. He treated me better than any human ever has in mu whole entire life.

I LOVE YOU BART !!!

I Ate The Last Of The SpanishRice

 Tonight my husband is perturbed by me because I ate the last of the spanish rice he made. There was also white rice already prepared. But no. Now I get the silent treatment. It's like I don't exist. I will not be eating any of the food that he cooks anymore. I can see being disappointed but to just out right give me the silent treatment.  No I am not going to go to a shelter. Especially with the covid stuff going on.  He is just a mean ass dude. 

I Do Not Care

 Today is my husband's birthday and we are getting prepared for a 3 day camping trip to Bodega Bay. He says to make sure you bring your cold weather gear. I have 1 sweater, coat that barely closes and only one good pair of pants.

But my husband has a whole wardrobe of cold weather gear. And a gazillion pairs of shoes and boots.  Everything turns out roses on his birthday. When my birthday is forgotten.

Right now I don't even want to talk or be around anyone because whatever I say will be misinterpreted as being ungrateful. And now he's got this annoying ass music on loud and all I want to do is paint all day in silence. I am tired of being in a relationship that is fake. I don't need advice . I am already doing what I need to do.

A Friend In The Cannabis Community

I am feeling much more optimistic today.  Not to say that the glimmer of optimism wasn't peaking through when I was going through so much mental anguish.  I always have a positive outlook deep down inside. Even when things seem so bleak I still see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I was confronted with some hurtful words and it is once again just so amazing how just some words can send me into a sense of panic. I love to the fullest . I give until it hurts.  The giving til it hurts is not healthy.  I keep telling myself that I can't make someone see how much I care for that person.  Either that person feels the love or does not.

Being true to who I am is important. I am not one to follow the herd although I tried when I was younger.  I knew that I could and would never be like my peers.  Now here I am in a sea of uncertainty.  I don't swim in a sea  of regrets and never have. I look back on the past is many chapters in a life of purpose here on planet Earth.  Positive events are happening in my life currently and I am going to be just fine. I feel the divine presence of the spiritual energies here to lift me up and keep me focused on what I need to do.

I remain persistent in my mission and my purpose here. My art is what brings me to the point of intense and necessary healing and everyday I bless my art with hope, wisdom and love. And a fierce determination to be all that I can be for the time that I am here. Living in the moment is important especially with all of the traumatic memories I have.  Each day I am learning how to look at each hurtful situation in my life and treat it with loving care. Know that I am more that what happened in the past. I am creating my future right now as I type.  And my future is being created with my thoughts.  I have learned many years ago that thoughts become things if you think about them too much.

So in order to not think about matters that distract me from what I need to be doing in the present moment I will be focusing on my art, helping out my son and continuing to live by example that best way I can.  It is hurtful when you are judged by the one that you thought had your back every step of the way.  To find out that this is just not true is downright disappointing  ! 

Cannabis has been a life saver for me.  Cannabis has helped me to remain as calm as I can during this time and to meditate on what I can do. I have been able to tune out the negativity and keep connected to the morphogenetic field.

I talked with a good friend and it restored my faith in the real meaning of friendship