I am feeling much more optimistic today. Not to say that the glimmer of optimism wasn't peaking through when I was going through so much mental anguish. I always have a positive outlook deep down inside. Even when things seem so bleak I still see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was confronted with some hurtful words and it is once again just so amazing how just some words can send me into a sense of panic. I love to the fullest . I give until it hurts. The giving til it hurts is not healthy. I keep telling myself that I can't make someone see how much I care for that person. Either that person feels the love or does not.
Being true to who I am is important. I am not one to follow the herd although I tried when I was younger. I knew that I could and would never be like my peers. Now here I am in a sea of uncertainty. I don't swim in a sea of regrets and never have. I look back on the past is many chapters in a life of purpose here on planet Earth. Positive events are happening in my life currently and I am going to be just fine. I feel the divine presence of the spiritual energies here to lift me up and keep me focused on what I need to do.
I remain persistent in my mission and my purpose here. My art is what brings me to the point of intense and necessary healing and everyday I bless my art with hope, wisdom and love. And a fierce determination to be all that I can be for the time that I am here. Living in the moment is important especially with all of the traumatic memories I have. Each day I am learning how to look at each hurtful situation in my life and treat it with loving care. Know that I am more that what happened in the past. I am creating my future right now as I type. And my future is being created with my thoughts. I have learned many years ago that thoughts become things if you think about them too much.
So in order to not think about matters that distract me from what I need to be doing in the present moment I will be focusing on my art, helping out my son and continuing to live by example that best way I can. It is hurtful when you are judged by the one that you thought had your back every step of the way. To find out that this is just not true is downright disappointing !
Cannabis has been a life saver for me. Cannabis has helped me to remain as calm as I can during this time and to meditate on what I can do. I have been able to tune out the negativity and keep connected to the morphogenetic field.
I talked with a good friend and it restored my faith in the real meaning of friendship
Friday, June 5, 2020
Monday, June 1, 2020
Little Piece Of My Heart 2020
The trials and tribulations I have experienced within the last 2 days has been quite tragic. But manmade tragedy. Definitely not created by yours truly. My last blog entry I talked of the frustration and sadness I feel being in a marriage for 20 yrs with someone who thinks that you resent and take advantage of him. I woke up at 3 am not able to sleep. I felt compelled to write because I still feel the sting of what my husband texted me 2 days ago. I transcribed the text into my journal so that I have a physical copy in case my phone goes down for some reason. Or for some reason he decides to kick me out of my home. Yesterday he tried to do what was a lame attempt of an apology and a lame ass hug. I told him that I am still stinging from the night before. I don't forgive easily. Especially when you attack my parenting style and blame me for why Leo is not further in life currently.
I want to say to my husband you have major issues you need to deal with because me and our son feel frightened of you because you don't see the sincerity in our attempts to stay on our path and support you the best way the we can within the present moment. When all that my husband does is look at me and our son as money maker then how does he expect to connect with us on a genuine level? I also woke up so early because I could not stop crying. I was crying over and over again hearing my husband's hurtful words to insult my very character. I felt as though he was ripping my heart out from my chest. I partook of numerous amounts of joints as he tore me apart psychologically .
That was 2 days ago and today I feel nonplussed by his arrogance. I rise above this tragedy and persevere regardless.
I want to say to my husband you have major issues you need to deal with because me and our son feel frightened of you because you don't see the sincerity in our attempts to stay on our path and support you the best way the we can within the present moment. When all that my husband does is look at me and our son as money maker then how does he expect to connect with us on a genuine level? I also woke up so early because I could not stop crying. I was crying over and over again hearing my husband's hurtful words to insult my very character. I felt as though he was ripping my heart out from my chest. I partook of numerous amounts of joints as he tore me apart psychologically .
That was 2 days ago and today I feel nonplussed by his arrogance. I rise above this tragedy and persevere regardless.
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