I Ate The Last Of The SpanishRice

 Tonight my husband is perturbed by me because I ate the last of the spanish rice he made. There was also white rice already prepared. But no. Now I get the silent treatment. It's like I don't exist. I will not be eating any of the food that he cooks anymore. I can see being disappointed but to just out right give me the silent treatment.  No I am not going to go to a shelter. Especially with the covid stuff going on.  He is just a mean ass dude. 

I Do Not Care

 Today is my husband's birthday and we are getting prepared for a 3 day camping trip to Bodega Bay. He says to make sure you bring your cold weather gear. I have 1 sweater, coat that barely closes and only one good pair of pants.

But my husband has a whole wardrobe of cold weather gear. And a gazillion pairs of shoes and boots.  Everything turns out roses on his birthday. When my birthday is forgotten.

Right now I don't even want to talk or be around anyone because whatever I say will be misinterpreted as being ungrateful. And now he's got this annoying ass music on loud and all I want to do is paint all day in silence. I am tired of being in a relationship that is fake. I don't need advice . I am already doing what I need to do.

A Friend In The Cannabis Community

I am feeling much more optimistic today.  Not to say that the glimmer of optimism wasn't peaking through when I was going through so much mental anguish.  I always have a positive outlook deep down inside. Even when things seem so bleak I still see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I was confronted with some hurtful words and it is once again just so amazing how just some words can send me into a sense of panic. I love to the fullest . I give until it hurts.  The giving til it hurts is not healthy.  I keep telling myself that I can't make someone see how much I care for that person.  Either that person feels the love or does not.

Being true to who I am is important. I am not one to follow the herd although I tried when I was younger.  I knew that I could and would never be like my peers.  Now here I am in a sea of uncertainty.  I don't swim in a sea  of regrets and never have. I look back on the past is many chapters in a life of purpose here on planet Earth.  Positive events are happening in my life currently and I am going to be just fine. I feel the divine presence of the spiritual energies here to lift me up and keep me focused on what I need to do.

I remain persistent in my mission and my purpose here. My art is what brings me to the point of intense and necessary healing and everyday I bless my art with hope, wisdom and love. And a fierce determination to be all that I can be for the time that I am here. Living in the moment is important especially with all of the traumatic memories I have.  Each day I am learning how to look at each hurtful situation in my life and treat it with loving care. Know that I am more that what happened in the past. I am creating my future right now as I type.  And my future is being created with my thoughts.  I have learned many years ago that thoughts become things if you think about them too much.

So in order to not think about matters that distract me from what I need to be doing in the present moment I will be focusing on my art, helping out my son and continuing to live by example that best way I can.  It is hurtful when you are judged by the one that you thought had your back every step of the way.  To find out that this is just not true is downright disappointing  ! 

Cannabis has been a life saver for me.  Cannabis has helped me to remain as calm as I can during this time and to meditate on what I can do. I have been able to tune out the negativity and keep connected to the morphogenetic field.

I talked with a good friend and it restored my faith in the real meaning of friendship

Little Piece Of My Heart 2020

The trials and tribulations I have experienced within the last 2 days has been quite tragic.  But manmade tragedy. Definitely not created by yours truly.  My last blog entry I talked of the frustration and sadness I feel being in a marriage for 20 yrs with someone who thinks that you resent and take advantage of him.  I woke up at 3 am not able to sleep.  I felt compelled to write because I still feel the sting of what my husband texted me 2 days ago. I transcribed the text into my journal so that I have a physical copy in case my phone goes down for some reason.  Or for some reason he decides to kick me out of my home.  Yesterday he tried to do what was a lame attempt of an apology and a lame ass hug.  I told him that I am still stinging from the night before.  I don't forgive easily.  Especially when you attack my parenting style and blame me for why Leo is not further in life currently.

I want to say to my husband you have major issues you need to deal with because me and our son feel frightened of you because you don't see the sincerity in our attempts to stay on our path and support you the best way the we can within the present moment. When all that my husband does is look at me and our son as money maker then how does he expect to connect with us on a genuine level?  I also woke up so early because I could not stop crying.  I was crying over and over again hearing my husband's hurtful words to insult my very character. I felt as though he was ripping my heart out from my chest.  I partook of numerous amounts of joints as he tore me apart psychologically .

That was 2 days ago and today I feel nonplussed by his arrogance.  I rise above this tragedy and persevere regardless.

Why I Am A Medical Cannabis Patient May 2020

Last night my husband told me that he felt like I was taking him for granted because it has been over 13 years since I have had a full time job.  I have been making money selling art through the years but because the money I made from selling art was not the same amount I made when I was working at my previous job at Whole Foods Market he doesn't give a flying fuck.  He left me a long text message yesterday.  I noticed that he had left the apartment in a huff.  And then he began lecturer my son Leo about how to reset his sleeping patterns.  And then went off and told me and my son that he is worried about what will happen to us if he were to die.  Whenever I tried to talk he gave this look of disdain and anger.  He looked at me as if he saw nothing but a bum and shifter,  and a freeloader.

I work my ass off everyday looking for job opportunities and I even tell him about my victories during the day.  But he couldn't give a flying fuck about what I am going through.  He seems to think that I am faking my injuries and that I am just being a drama queen.  For over 10 yrs I have had to deal with someone being resentful towards me because I am not bringing a steady paycheck in every single day.  I have arthritis in my knees and ankles and that was something that I felt was mocked yesterday when my husband came home after me pleading for him to come home so that we could all talk.  There  was no talk.  It was a barking of orders like I was back in basic training in the Army.

With this pandemic of 2020 going on my husband has turned very distant to me and has had a habit of turning things around in the conversation.  He stated that it is hard to communicate with me.  My point that I wanted to get at was that we never really spend time together.  He is always working and feeling resentful for working and not having any extra financial support.  This hurts me to the core because when I hear him saying these things to me it makes me thinking of all the times I was extremely supportive of him when he went through a severe depression with losing his job at the pawn shop.

He blames me for the problems that my son is facing and seems to think that my bad parenting is the cause of why my son does not have a job.I thought that we were both in this parenting thing together and that we would bring each other up instead of feeling like I am being constantly being torn down.  I took several rounds of dabs last night and still felt as though my husband saw me as worthless. And it is sad that he compares our family to other peoples family.  The one thing that truly sticks out in my mind that he said to me last night is this" You are afraid of change!"  This is not true!  And then when I asked him what can I do to help he says, " Get a fucking job!"  When I began to explain how I search for a job everyday and if he would like for me to report to him everyday with the progress of my job search.  He looks at me like I am stupid and says" No, no, that's not necessary."

What I am thinking is what the fuck do you expect from me? I am doing the fucking best I can.  He keeps on telling me how hard it is for him.  Well look at how hard it is for me.  He mentioned last night that he is tired of being responsible for driving to where I need to go because I have a driving phobia.  And then humiliates right in front of my son by saying " Her driving phobia is my problem. Because I have to drive her everywhere.  When my son tried to defend me he just kept on treating him as though he is a mind control victim .  Treating my son as if he is a victim of my mind control.  If anything it is him that is trying to control his mind by telling him how to think about everything in this world.

After taking several dabs I was getting ready for bed and then my husband tries to hug me at the waist while sitting down like all is forgiven after several dab hits.  Fuck that.  I need to get out of a situation where my husband sees me as a loser and as someone who is a bad influence on our son.  He says that me and our son are pushing him away. He is pushing us away.  I don't like how he copies what the people whom he looks up to.  There is this guy that works at a pawn shop that he has been getting extra work from recently and this guy is not a very kind guy. He tries to come off as being kind yet he seems more condescending if you ask me.  But no one will ask and I understand why he considers this guy a friend.  He is a bit older than him so he values his opinions and laughs at his jokes.  And then comes home and acts similar to that guy.

This happens alot!!! More than I care to recount.  I am typing my ass off because I am not feeling motivated to be around someone who sees as a wasteless piece of shit.  He has never said that to me but I feel that oozing out of his eyes whenever he looks at me when confrontations like these come up.  He just always wants to be right.  When he has these big flare ups and storm out of the door I think how much more can I take. And I start to feel like he sees me as less than him because he has a full time job and I don't.  He was complaining about how he wants to move out of this dump of an apartment and looks at me like it is all of my fault.  I made it clear last night that I was clear in how he sees my role here in this household.  "You see me as someone who needs to bring in money consistently, clean the house,  and make time for you and what you are going through.  Well I do everything on that list of requirement except for the consistent income.

And I do believe that fact that my husband was promoted to Manager to manage one of the music shops he is acting different.  He is feeling the enormity of the new career and he is taking out his frustrations on me and on our son and that is completely unfair.  He is an extremely impatient person and he can't blame me for that.  The truth is that he does more talking than listening.  But is he really listening when I talk.  I believe that whenever he is listening to me talk he is hearing a voice that he is sick of hearing.  There is total disdain and hatred in his voice and it does scare me to a certain point.  Why does it scare me to a certain point.  Because if I just leave I have no where to go. I have no one. But if my husband decided to take off he can leave without a trace without a care.  It is obvious that it is not me that has the problem.  Even when we were both working he still had these outbursts and would talk to me in a way that is not kind in the least bit.

My son was trying to defend me and I thank him for that.  But at the same time my son was getting torn to shreds mentally with my husband assuming that we stay in this apartment unit with the blinds drawn all day and never get outside or air out the place.  These assumptions are very insulting to me.  I have my parenting style in question.  Was I suppose to be the only one raising our child?  What about his parenting style where he would come home from work angry  and not talk to either me or our son.  And would just drink beer after beer while watching  tv.  He blames me for that because he feels as though if I had a full time job then he would not have to work somewhere so miserable.

I was and have been very supportive of everything my husband does and has done to help provide for our family and he just sees me as free loader.  Even though I make several of his meals in the week, clean the apartment to the best of my ability while trying to stay positive during these fucked up times.  I just want to say to my husband"bitch please,  you don't see all of what I go through because you just don't care!"  And that is what it all comes down to.  I have to smoke so much cannabis to rise above this mental torture game that he makes me a part of when he is in a downward spiral.  I am sick of it.  Especially since I have been nothing but supportive through our whole marriage.


I write all of this today in hopes of alleviating the anxiety, and panic I feel knowing that my husband is pushing me away and is done.  This reminds me of the relationship between my father and my mother.   I was diagnosed with PTSD about 6 years ago and I know that one of the symptoms of ptsd is to relive past events when triggered by a present event. I cannot change my husband nor have I ever tried to.  I just wish that he would get over his pride and see that I am helping.  I recently was offered a commission art job that is going to pay well yet my husband only sees this as a drop in the bucket money wise.  I asked him last night" So is there an ultimatum?  Do I have to find a job at a specific date and time?"  He said, "No finish your commission job first."  With this outburst it seems like he has been talking to his friends at work about his situation and is influenced about their lives and how they are living a life that is in his mind"much more normal than how we live.  So blame all of this on me.

\If it wasn't for me and my laziness we would not be living in a 1 bedroom apartment in a not so great part of town surrounded by tragedy and fear.  So this is all of my fault.  Do you understand that I am in pain everyday!!!! And interesting how last night my husband says to me that he gets tired of hearing me talking about how much pain I am in.  I told him that the only reason why I let him know that I am in pain is because I want him to know why I can't perform certain tasks of the day with as much speed as he does.  I am tired of his break your neck to get it done mentality.

I don't even want to see his face this morning because I don't know what to expect.  Will I get an angry face or a syrupy sweet husband who loves everything about me even my faults. Who knows and that is why I know that I am not connected to him anymore.  When you are treating like trash you never forget.  You never forget that feeling of being seen for what you are not.  This is something I can not control. I cannot control how my husband sees me or how anyone else on this planet sees me.  I am who  I am.  And I have always been upfront and honest about what is going on with me and my conditions and why I cannot do the things that I use to be able to do.

I am done explaining myself to my husband or  to anyone  else for that matter when it comes to why I cannot find a job easily to help provide for our family.  I not only have to deal with arthritic pain I also have to deal with the extreme symptoms of ptsd.  I told my husband that he does scare me.  He is scary because he is getting mad at me and blaming me for being somewhere that he does not want to be.  It is not my fucking fault that we ended up in a place you do not desire to live in.

I cannot control whether or not my husband believes me or anyone else for that matter. It is funny how my husband says that he worries about what would happen to me and our son if he dies.  What if  I die.  Would you worry then?  Or would it be a relief for you and that will make it easier for you.  My husband still lives like he is a bachelor. He wants to stay up to past midnight every night and not caring that our son does not have a bedroom of his own.  Our son is sleeping in what would be the living room area.  So he is keeping late hours because my husband is up at night watching videos and listening to music with the lights on.  How does my husband think that my son is suppose to sleep through all of that.  This is some of things I wanted to tell my husband when he was trying to lecture our son on how he has to reset his sleep patterns.  He just looks at us like we are a bunch of idiots.

In order for my son to go to sleep he has to wait for my husband to go to bed which is usually after midnight.  Once me and my husband go to sleep my son says that he likes to destress.  And sometimes it takes him longer than he would like because he is dealing with noises from above living in a noisy apartment complex.  It is very selfish of my husband to think that our son could have any kind of normal sleep schedule with all of this going on.  My husband's expectations are ridiculous.  That long text message that he left me yesterday was enough to rip my heart into.  And I know that was his intention.  When he gets mad it is a catastrophic event.  I feel like I am in a war with my own husband and everything I say that I feels that he doing to me he repeats and says I am doing the same.  This is bull shit.  He is playing the mind games and many times it feels as though he is totally aware of it.

He sees himself as being better than me and my son.  I feel the pretension and condescending  voice is a constant.  When he does not partake of cannabis things are worse.

What is my plan? My plan is to raise enough money to move out of this manmade mind fuck of a reality.  I have been nothing but kind to my husband throughout our 20 yrs together.  This October will be 21 years.  I am getting to the point where I don't care.  Because the support has not been a two way street.  He has not been supportive truly of my art.  I tried to encourage him with his art and music.  He doesn't give a fuck about me unless I have money to give.  I cannot believe that he called me the most unaffecionate person he has ever met.  This statement is so untrue.  I have done so much for the man throughout the years that has gone appreciated but what do I do in response to this nonresponse in my gratitude? I just suck it all down like the jagged little pill called my life right now.

I am so done with caring about him and his well being and him getting mad at me because we don't have enough for rent in the bank leaving him with what he feels is the only choice of pawning one of his many instruments.My husband live in a world of worry and walks in the feeling that he is all alone and that he has to do everything all by himself. Well, guess what?  He's wrong.  I was always wanting him to be supportive what I am passionate about which is my art. He just saw it as nothing that could make a living.  And he was only interested or impressed by my art when others seemed interested.  Or when he use drink alcohol heavily he would be more receptive and moved by my art.

I am not the one with the main problem here and neither is my son.  My husband has treated me and my son as if we are trash the way that speaks to us. He assumes that we are just like him and that we can assimilate into his way of being.  But that is impossible.  We all came down to this planet with a mission, a purpose.  We are all on our own each individual path and so we are not going to all believe in the same things.  Making others feel inadequate because of that is not the way to go. I am not on a fast track go all the time schedule like my husband.  Nor do I crave to be.  I am dyslexic so I like to move at my own pace.  My pace is too slow for my husband.  We are two different people and he just can't see this.  I can't stop writing  all of what has been occurring in my life thus far  because I do not want to trivialize how I was and how I am feeling.


I was told by my husband that I don't like change.  That is untrue.  He is the one that does not want change.  I think some change is good.  But I think some change should be done gradually and not dramatically just because you are impatient and cannot wait for the final result of whatever it is you want to see change.  Like people for instance can not change overnight all of the time when it comes to an addiction unless they have the will to go cold turkey. My husband has had an easy time getting jobs because he has experience, he is a white male that looks more desirable to hire, and he is an extrovert and knows many people that he can connect with if he does need a job.  He is so affected by how others see him .  He told me in the text message that he sent me last night that he is tired.  Well no shit. When my husband is off from work he is still working.  He can never seem to completely settle down until he falls asleep .  And even then he is moving around in his sleep and snoring.  Talk about not getting any sleep.  I wear earplugs at night so that I can keep th